me: haha I don’t really have nonverbal episodes
also me: the idea of talking sounds overwhelming and excruciating so what if I just type at everyone for the next 12 hours

god a week ago (so, last sunday) i managed to like—really wig myself out by being in a cafe with music and having too much caffeine, and consequently had to like, sit several meters away from anyone else at home with headphones on

the fact that i like to cook is kind of a boon for this, honestly, because I can just kind of exile myself to the kitchen and not interact for a bit while gently spooning vegetable stock into risotto

i don’t even know WHY it happens sometimes and not others, but the amount of normal environmental things such as “ride train,” “walk next to busy road,” “sit in café with sounds” etc. that sometimes carry a nonzero chance of causing my brain to bluescreen and need to nope off for a few hours is honestly, frustrating

idk this is really uncomfortable for me to talk about, in some ways, because it’s both unsettling and also something where I’m like “idk is this REALLY a problem though” and also like it’s one of those things that is obviously badbrains, which because of american exceptionalism or something i think I can overcome via hard work and believing in myself


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1 Comment

  1. ugh my sympathies – i’ve had this happen a couple of times, where a normal (or “normal”) amount of external stimuli sudden is TOO GODDAMN MUCH, and it’s really destabilizing, esp if it’s something i’ve been fine with at other times

    and re: your last sentence — yeah, i straight up had to have a mourning period for when i finally was honest with myself that i can’t just bootstraps my way out of depression and anxiety. it just — sucks sometimes tbh.

    anyway. hope u well <3

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